The DIE equation determines how much you will desire a person's death.

Keep in mind, the DIE Index doesn't tell you how much you should want someone to die, only how much you will.

Who do you want to die?
What is his D value?
What is his I value?
What is his E value?
 
DIE = (((D^(1/3))/10^(1/3))*((I^(1/2))/10^(1/2))*(E^(3/2)))*3.12

where D I E respectively equal:

* Objective Douchiness:
  1. minor douchbaggery
  2. .
  3. .
  4. .
  5. .
  6. .
  7. .
  8. .
  9. .
  10. Detonating nuclear warheads in or over civilian population centers... for kicks.
* Personal Impact:
  1. Has an impact on world conditions such that ambient noise resulting from their actions increases the level of background douchebaggery you have to deal with (makes the world a worse place, but their actions can not in any way be said to directly impact your life)
  2. .
  3. .
  4. .
  5. .
  6. .
  7. .
  8. .
  9. .
  10. Directly impacts your life

* Encounter Frequency:
  1. Never likely to directly encounter the douchebag
  2. Chance encounter possible
  3. Decades between encounters
  4. Years between encounters
  5. Seasons between encounters
  6. Months between encounters
  7. Weeks between encounters
  8. Days between encounters
  9. Daily encounters
  10. You have to see this asshole every single day

Examples:

A gigantic Douchebag (10) that directly Impacts your life (10) that you Encounter daily (10) will come in at 99% on the DIE index. This means that it will take a Ghandian self control to stop you from bludgeoning this person to death with their own femur.

Now, the same Douchebag (10) who has the same Impact (10) on your life but you are never likely to Encounter (1) only comes in at a 3% on the DIE scale. Out of sight, out of mind. When asked about them, you will express a mild interest in their ceasing to be, but in terms of occupying your obsessive compulsive angry place, they rank about as high as broccoflower.

Compare that to the minor Douchebag (1) who directly Impacts (10) your life through daily Encounters (10). Even though they are but the peanuts in the great circus of human annoyance, due to your daily interactions with them, you will still have a 46% desire for their mortal coil to begin its shuffling off. If they push you, you might be apt to push back, with a tire iron.

Finally, consider the massive Douchebag (10) who has little direct Impact (1) on you, yet you still must Encounter daily (10). Though they only have a greatly abstracted impact on your life, their constant proximity won't let you forget that they, and people like them, truly exist in the world. These people are no where near as annoying as the bags-o-fun that cause you even the most minor amount of direct personal distress, but you would still be happier if they were to silently take their exit. They rank a healthy 31% on the DIE index. If you saw them drowning, you would have to check twice to see if Phil was watching before walking away.

Michael devised the DIE equation.